diachronic----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- drums ruckus convocated and birthday celebrated. thanks to all of my friends who remembered. i'm really touched and blessed. on another note, the drumset is also sold - *regretfully* - to a family who apparently thinks i duped them into buying an old rusty drumset for too much, when they'd inspected, decided to buy, agreed on the already-discounted amount, paid, and transported it all the way home. the day after, the mother called and asked for a refund, which i firmly refused because 1. there may be damage(s) from transportation and exposure to weather, 2. it was a no-obligation viewing; why pay and carry it all the way back before deciding to say no? whoever does business deals like that? 3. i already warned that it's an OLD drumset. the discount was given because these customers are my mom's long-time friends, not because of some inferior condition i'm trying to hide. (and should i mention, i HATE IT when people question my integrity.) it may be old, but it's Pearl's bestseller to date, entirely playable, nothing broken, and all the rusty parts are changeable. go online to check local auction prices for a 2nd handed Pearl Export Series of similar condition, and you'll see that the price was fair at 300. (in this same month, somebody sold one - with broken toms-skins and less shiny cymbals /hihats - for 250, within 3 days of advertising.) a 2nd handed near-perfect condition set costs 600-700 (sad to say, Pearl stopped production of this baby in Jan 08); if that was their ideal then they shldn't have bought mine, i wld've been cool about that. but not all this ruckus now. if i'm not shifting to a tiny house, i wldn't have sold my drumset to anybody. and the reason why i'm *so. absolutely. peeved.* is because they are apparently pissed with me. for what? not agreeing on a full refund? not selling a shinier drumset? not selling it even cheaper? (since i wld've given it away to any church if requested) i want to know why, before i get your dirty accusing glare. drummers are typically helpful (those in the circle, agree?), but unreasonable requests and taking advantage of a previously-successful bargain are intolerable. and especially when we're familiar friends and the one who paid is the boss of a profitable business for many years. may God clear my name! 12:42 p.m. - 2008-07-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- reflections Time for some introspective thought. I realise I don't know God as much as I thought I did. (I don't know myself very well either - especially my flaws, haha - but I shan't elaborate here.)It's very much the same way with people I guess - especially with guys. When I play mine sweeper and am forced to guess the position of a mine I've no idea of, regardless of whether I guessed correctly, I would feel a great sense of risk and an awareness that I simply did not know which was right. If I was correct then it would be pure fluke, since there was no way I could outguess the computer. But if I was wrong and it was game over, the reality hits me quite hard, that the assumption I made and the risk I'd taken was WRONG. All my previous relationships had been trusty until they fell. Those who know me would know that I'm NOT a risktaker when it comes to people (simply because a r/s is not a game to me), and that I take a long time to know a guy well enough as a friend before considering a possible r/s (if it's mutual). To date, the *minimum* duration of observation is a year, but none of the r/s lasted beyond a few months. Perhaps people change over time, but I hadn't known them well enough to know that, that's one thing I'm sure of. My being conservative and way-too-careful has got to do with my fear of intimacy, to a certain extent, but I won't talk about that now either. So the reason why I say I don't think I know God as well as I think I do, is not because I'm viewing God and these guys in parallel, but because my skepticism and jadedness through these r/s have clouded my perception of God. It was worse initially when I'd viewed God as this exact replica of all the sh***y men in my life, and while trying to reconcile this image with what the Bible says of God I'd almost run away many times. God was gracious; He gradually brought healing in my life through a few years such that I am now able to look back and see it all as His promise of restoration. Yet a part of me is also aware that my view is only less clouded, not completely cleared. Thing is, when I wasn't aware of my view being clouded, it wasn't half as scary as being aware now of the partial cloudiness. Heck, more clouded? Less clouded? Clouded IS clouded. Previously I had to fight against running away from God; now I fight against being unaware of the remaining cloudiness (ie. thinking that my view has already been cleared). This is not a case of me being pessimistic or ascetic, because I still feel stuck in relating to some people - I tend to run away from the very people I'm drawn to. 9:31 p.m. - 2008-05-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- unforgettable grace so the last of exam papers is over on the 28th. the only thing left is the project presentation, which will also be over in a week's time, and that's it. 3 years of the most precious, darndest memories i've ever had, which took 2 years of my hard-earned money. and that's it, too soon. i decided that i love school too much (no kidding). thank God i'm debt free and given the opportunity to further my studies. just looking back at the 5 exam periods (and 1 IA) i've been through, i could list down the "calamities" that befell at the wrong time: -tonsilitis (x2) that's 1 per exam period, in reverse chronological order. i consider it a pure miracle to have survived these and other dramatic emotional episodes without sacrificing my sanity and sense of humor. more than that, i've witnessed God at work in me and in my loved ones. i'll never forget grandma's last hours in a coma, how her tight frown relaxed only when mom told her to remember Jesus and trust Him to be with her (nothing else had worked before that), and how she had such a peaceful look when she finally left us. i still miss her so much now... i'll never forget how i hardly studied, struggled to breathe and concentrate for each paper just after i recovered from dengue, how the results that semester actually turned out to be the best so far, and how i survived overseas for a month w/o my family right after the exams. i'll never forget the gracious gift from a dear sister and dept staff - a part time job in school - when family problems nearly drove me mad. that gave me financial relief, precious work experience which led to my fyp (and perhaps phd), and even the lab which was my safe haven many times, when the thought of going home made me depressed. and i'll never forget the huge cross right beside my lab, seen as an optical illusion from the neighboring building only after sunset. that comfort was more than words, esp during late nights of lab work. God is amazing. well...i guess that means i will most probably forget a lot of what i learnt from 3 yrs of school lectures. hurhur. it is true when they say that one will always remb the ppl who made a difference in his/her life. knowledge is readily available if you search for it, but ppl aren't always so. perhaps the relational need is greater than the quest for knowledge, perhaps ppl are made this way. i mean, if you're super stuck in the mud, what eventually gets you out? knowledge or ppl? (ok actually at this point i just got my answer to a question that bogged me for 2 days, but nvm i'm not elaborating here.) anyway i can't wait to celebrate with the bunch, the gang who's gonna graduate together with me. let's hope grad night's a good time for that. 11:31 p.m. - 2008-04-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2 more months it's nearing the end of FYP, and exactly 2 months before unofficial graduation. i'm learning to enjoy each school day, with my friends and not-so-favourite food, despite struggling (still) with my FYP report. and then i remember that it's been some 10 months since he decided to leave me, and nearly 8 months after he made the decision to tell me in person. the 1st 3 months were pretty horrid, but now that i look back, perhaps it was really for the better - at least my decision upon graduation would have 1 less affecting factor. for now the desire to be free overthrew the desire for a soulmate. time to try to finish up my report. i must try to update more often too from now on, in my own diary book if not here. 10:31 p.m. - 2008-03-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- another frustrating episode Dad's warded again, this time in TTSH coronary care unit. My cousin had called to inform me a few hours ago. I tried to find out more about his current situation, but all I know from his nurse now is that he was warded YESTERDAY - not today - and is conscious and having dialysis. Was about to write in to complain about my frustrating conversation with the tight-lipped nurse, when I finally realised at my last paragraph that I had no case at all, because my dad had not included me in his I.C.E list during hospitalisation. The nurse was doing her job so I don't blame her, but you can sense my frustration when you read the following letter which I took 1 hour to type for nothing: "My father has dominant PKD and had been frequently warded in SGH in 2007. Upon learning that my father was hospitalised in TTSH CCU (ward 6A), I called up General Enquiry at around 1015pm (11 Jan), and my call was picked up within a few seconds by your customer service staff. She then promptly redirected my line to ward 6A. "However, the nurse at ward 6A who attended my call (whom I believe is a senior staff nurse) asked for my name, relationship to patient and patient's name - which I answered - but simply told me that my father is conscious and having dialysis. "She'd explained that staff are not supposed to divulge details of patients' conditions to any caller, which I understand, but when I explained that the reason I called to inquire about the seriousness of his condition was because my father tended to exaggerate to me his situation during his previous hospitalisations in SGH, while his nurses and doctors would be able to give a more accurate description or even the actual diagnosis. Furthermore, the SGH staff whom I'd also called up before for the same reason was able to answer my questions after I identified myself, so that I was able to gauge if his condition was so serious that I should rush down to the hospital, or safe enough to allow a visit the following day. "All these I explained to your staff nurse, who suggested I find out for myself only when I make the visit. Despite suggesting that I leave my phone number and contact details in case of emergency, she declined and restated the policy of confidentiality. Her lips were sealed and I had no choice but to end the call. "The enquiry I made was hardly of any help because I still do not know my father's exact condition, nor the reason for his hospitalization! "If I rush down to TTSH and find out that my father's not in critical condition, I would have spent unnecessary worry and time. But if the situation was otherwise and I fail to rush down in time, who will then answer for it? Would confidentiality rule over an emergency that could be potentially fatal?"
***** Well it actually didn't end there (of course), cos I was going to suggest they have an I.C.E list for all warded patients to contact immediately at crucial time - and then I found out that they already have that as a section in the hospitalization form where the patient is required to list 2 persons to contact I.C.E. So out went my case, but I'm leaving my drafted letter here because it might help in my prof comm module this sem. ha. But honestly I'm peeved and poofed. After throwing my anger and worry out the window, I'm still asking myself why I should still care when dad doesn't. He should consider being a stage director and scriptwriter with his experience in crying wolf, outsmarting and manipulating his own kin. Heck, having pre-empted some of those and fallen for others, sometimes I find I'm a chip of the old block too. But he's a good example to bring up when God says to love the unlovable; after verbally declaring myself to have given up on him when I was 14, till today when our relationship's restored and still shedding signs of formality, when I say I care for him I'm neither speaking empty words nor trying real hard to do so. In fact I'm trying to NOT care for him, not love him, and I couldn't, and that's when I knew I was not looking at dad through my old judgemental eyes but God-widened ones. Although all the hurt and anger neither stops nor lessens with every disappointment from him, there can only be one Godhand-picked father - my starkly imperfect dad - whom I will receive as long as he's still alive. 11:27 p.m. - 2008-01-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- iwldlistdownallecoincidencesbutwhatsepointwhenurheartisnolongerhere i don't believe in coincidences. not after today. we were last sitting a few inches apart, back to back. we first sat on the same side of the room, 2 chairs diagonally apart. i didn't think i'd see you today, but i did, and only after worship, after i'd dedicated my heart to God (thank God). we were placed in the same camp group 2 decembers ago. we had feelings for each other w/o saying it verbally until it was too late. we both played music to worship God, and that (i believe) was the start. we'd met again at FOC after a few yrs and realised we took the same long break from school and were starting off in the same cohord. we'd first met because of God, and because of worshipping Him with music. but i don't believe in coincidences anymore, the day you told me your decision to choose her 2 months after, and there was no point to speak anything more than well wishes simply because your heart's no longer here. and just between you and me, how can i say goodbye when there's nothing 'good' about it and 'bye' could be forever? so i don't believe in coincidences, not even after today, simply because the ironic truth about your decision is here to stay. 11:59 p.m. - 2008-01-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- brand new year '08 it's a brand new year and almost half a year of MIA. God knows what i've been doing, but i refuse to adopt the chore (well, to me it is a chore) of updating more frequently. i'm not here to satisfy anyone's curiosity k. anyway it's the first day of my last semester, this time with 4 modules and 3 papers. in a very weird way i'm missing school already, although it's more like my 1st yr in school that i miss most. and since i've gotten used to frequent solitude since last sem i'm now kinda in a world of my own too often, walking across campus (sometimes in the rain) even when i have bus concession, and looking at details around that i usually would not have noticed. school aside, guitar class is starting again in 2 weeks, this time with 3 students instead of 1. but looking at Seb's progress i might become the student eventually, since he's been practising enthusiastically and my guit's just collecting dust lor. haven't looked into planning a proper "curriculum" either. i realised that last year i've been rotating my choice of instrument to practise - first it was piano briefly, then guit til after grandma's passing, then drums til last sem's exams, then piano since last month. the last one was one which i'd vowed not to play again until i'm past my pain, but after the november exams i saw the specks of mold on one side of the piano, and i really thought it's silly of me to give up such a good thing because of one guy who disappointed me. by not releasing my pain i was the only one suffering (indeed, why would he care the least bit?), although the decision to be freed or not also depended on me. so when i finally released the heartache that was attached to the melody of those keys, i played and enjoyed myself tremendously, more than mere notes could bring. yet at the same time while i played, it also dawned upon me that i was still somewhat bitter and definitely very disappointed. by now the bitterness is fading (although i still don't wish to see nor talk to him again) but the disappointment stays despite the comfort of music. a few days back i saw how badly my guit strings have rusted over the rainy season. actually so have my drums rusted but to a much lesser extent. an indication of my own guit skills perhaps? high time to clean and change its strings and practise again... maybe i should try being a music teacher after i graduate? 10:54 p.m. - 2008-01-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - it's been a week of school already. well, 4 days of school to be exact, during which i've walked up the hill alone twice. just this afternoon when i first started up the steps, there were a few who looked at me in disbelief and 1 who burst out in laughter. if they knew i pray and dedicate each climb to God before i start i wonder what they'd think. as it was, every climb up that hill was different. honestly i started out just wanting some exercise. since i always start my walking from the estate, the total altitude difference should be around 15 storeys(?) with the hill itself at least 8 or 9 storeys (my ears always pop once i reach the top!). the numbness in my legs was nothing compared to the altitude increase that left me gasping for air at about 1/3 distance from the top, but i realised today that by slowing down my steps it was easier to finish the whole flight without stopping. sometimes i am like that on my journey with God too - i run ahead of Him. not that it's possible, but like a child who's more eager than the parent or think she knows better, i challenge His plan for me. and to a certain extent i succeed, only to stop eventually and realise that i actually cannot. and then i rest, walk around in circles trying to catch my breath, and He catches me. with the physical and spiritual restoration i move on again. every climb has been humbling so far. sometimes it's with the freshness of early morning, sometimes the horrible noontime heat, sometimes feeling the fatigue from the day's activities; sometimes alone, sometimes not...but He teaches me a new lesson each time. i know this is pathetic compared to a real hill, but at the top, the reward of a bird's eye view of the nearby estate shared with God is priceless, the teeniest glimpse of that same reward He's promised at the end of my race on earth... 12:36 a.m. - 2007-08-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- at the end of 6 months heartbroken. was it something i didn't say? or was it the time? the space? i wished you'd waited for me, like i've been waiting here silently...and then to realise all i'd been waiting for was the news that you tried to drop gently on me today. God holds my heart, but the pain is not any lessened by the comfort and encouragement you tried to give. He has made me strong, but i need time to grieve. to let go of what we've shared before: stories, emotions, hopes, prayers from the not-so-long-ago when so much more was felt than said. because of a painful past experience, fear of scaring you off, and Songs 8:4, i promised God never to tell you i like you. i wonder if before you left you'd decided a dead end or a cliffhanger. indeed, despite all we'd shared, i never knew our feelings had been mutual THEN, until today. but what's the point in sharing this now, when it only aggravates the impact? its pain hits like infused poison in the blood, increasing in intensity, the heartache becoming so real it's impossible to run away nor face it fully. the most ironic thing is that i actually truly rejoice with you amidst this pain, as you shared of your journey with her. something tells me that this could be beautiful. you are in His good hands. so i prayed for you on the way back, that His will be done in your life, that what's beautiful in His hands will eventually blossom, that you will experience and live out 1 Cor 13. i prayed for His blessings, love and joy to be with you both...the very words that i tried but just couldn't tell you. and i prayed that He will help you learn to love yourself too, the 1 prayer that's never changed whenever i remember you. as for myself, between the conflict of wishing you're somehow still here with me and wishing you God's blessings and peace are only silent tears, prayers, rhetorical questions and unspeakable waves of pain and sadness from a broken heart. for my heart is stronger than yours, but only medically. 4:59 p.m. - 2007-08-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- last whacked at 12.20 a.m. i don't know what to say anymore. 12:37 a.m. - 2007-01-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - i had 2 bad news from 2 Vans in 1 day - yesterday - and i didn't think i could handle a 3rd one. when i finally reached home late at night i prayed and dozed off thrice. there were no tears; perhaps He was really holding my heart. for the weather looked equally gloomy today but i'd enjoyed work, and it was my haven for the day, since most of everything else weighed me down. honestly i am tired and in need of encouragement...not pity. those of you who know me will know that fatigue and depression almost always come like a vicious cycle once started, and so i also need rest. physically and emotionally. this is on something else altogether, but i'm now asking God if i've been investing my heart in the wrong places, or if He'd really meant for me to be whacked again because of what He'd taken on Himself and expected no less from me. or whatever it is. i can't outguess Him, nor anyone else for that matter, and although i keep saying i won't, doing that is difficult for me. as i was telling a fren, we have an unpredictable Father. don't get me wrong, i'm not threatening to abandon my faith. but i'm starting to wonder who i really am, all over again, and how the heart that's been broken, smashed and compacted so many times can possibly be used and risk the exact same fate again. yet i choose to love, because i have known and lived His love for me, though not fully learning how to love because of the excess baggage of seventy times seven times, and also my own imperfections. pls don't guess or assume what i mean exactly. just pray for me. 11:39 p.m. - 2007-01-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- lost skipped bible study tonight for all the wrong reasons, i know, but i'm feeling horrible enough so i'll really appreciate it if you please let me off this once. the day started out fine, till after lunch when dad called. he wanted to ask me out and / or chat on the phone, both which i couldn't do cos i was on my way to meet my godma. thank God he'd let me off w/o any emotional torture. but perhaps i shldn't have met godma, cos while trying to figure out where we're supposed to meet, i'd lost my way and called her for directions more than once, which earned me a yelling over the phone. i'd hung up immediately and started walking what seemed like miles under the scorching hot sun in my black polo tee, half mad and half crushed. i finally stopped outside a nearby brother church after feeling dizzy and nearly faintish, grabbed the nearest place to sit, and started wondering when i'd become so weak (doc had told me before that the aftereffects of dengue usually stays for a long time). tons of negative thoughts came rushing to my mind and left me feeling useless, stupid and rejected, and i asked God to simply let me rest and keep me from fainting. and as i closed my eyes the world spun around me. i asked God to hold me, and i saw myself shrivelled and tiny again, left in the invisible hands of God while everybody else left. the former was comforting, the latter painful. none of the faces had turned back so i couldn't tell if there was any familiar one, and i must have shuttled between looking dazed and falling asleep briefly even after godma found me where i was. she checked me and realised i was literally in cold shock. i slept a little more before we walked to somewhere else; now i'm better but not quite recovered, slightly aching all over and still in a mild daze sporadically. in case you're wondering, this has been the most common physical effect of my spiritual attacks and battles so far. but i shall not go into details about that. please pray for me if you are reading this. a doc can heal my physical wounds, but only God can nurse me spiritually, and i certainly don't want to say die. 9:34 p.m. - 2007-01-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- happy new year yesterday was thanksgiving / open sunday and all us volunteers had a brief but much welcomed break as a sis from the dept upstairs helped manage the kids for the whole session. for the 1st time we all had a chance to hear from one another our own journeys with God, amongst other personal things shared. , i was squarely snubbed by a lady who might've been thinking her man's a little too friendly with me (why do i keep getting such problems? i didn't even touch him for goodness sake!), when it was her turn to share after mine. but after a while i saw her concerns and a possible helping / taking over of her role in worship every sunday. if God will lead me to transit into that, i'm not going to flinch even if she might kick a fuss or anything...and if i end up in another ministry one day (possibly within the next 5 yrs), i'm just going to move on then, since there's always the danger of getting too comfortable and hoarding one's place in a particular ministry. from observation of other people's lives i'm gauging roughly 10 yrs for a move-on / add-on in ministry, but whatever it is, i am still here in kids min (4th yr and counting), having already moved dept once (voluntarily) to meet their needs, and i'll do my best right here as long as God will have me stay. yup. anyway, there's this sunday sch teacher who'd addressed his spouse as his girlfriend and wife, and i noticed his preference to call her his girlfriend though most times when she's mentioned she's girlfriend AND wife. to which another teacher explained to all of us that he's an extremely devoted husband to his wife who's rather ill from a genetic problem. it was awfully touching. so yesterday was spent in a rather relaxed mood, in this getting-to-know-you session, and annual meeting was postponed to next sunday since we could afford the whole of january for promotion / transition for the kids. tea and dinner was at godma's, with simon and 3 other of their youths, and simon was irritating the hell out of me. husband and wife attacked my soup at dinner, with him saying how we might end up talking the same things after drinking the same soup, and to which i retorted that it wasn't a big deal since we practically thought the same things on many occasions (and which had freaked my godma out)! this was my last day of the year 2006, and here's wishing you a happy new year ahead with the Lord. 7:10 p.m. - 2007-01-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- an early rebirthday gift just came back from Meta with, among many other things, a new gift, of tongues. a spiritual gift i'd asked for, with a good reason, and it was granted to me this time. now i'm wondering if i should find some wise counsel or leave it to God's prompting. i still shy away from charismatic congregations though (in this aspect i'm the complete opposite of my mom), so perhaps this might ease up my tension, but as for how i should use and exercise it...it's very sensitive isn't it? especially since it's almost viewed as "taboo" even by some christians...sthg not wrong but just uncomfortable. just wanted to jot this down in case i forget. approximate time stamp is 28 dec 8pm. found myself quite naturally in my brisk walking state last night after supper, walking fast and would've walked far too, but decided against that. so i'd walked far ahead of the rest, thinking on how i'd acquired this "mad walking syndrome" all because of anger management, when i literally wished to walk away from my source of anger and did just that. (i once marched around SAC some 3 times after i was provoked to rage during an outreach event; the fence might disintegrate if i'd continued?) but it was a way out, that no one was harmed and i could cool down. on a sidenote (again), my rebirthday's coming up soon! yeah. i'm turning 7 yrs old on 8 Jan, haha. 10:26 p.m. - 2006-12-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- new possibilities in ministry allow me to be selfish again today - i'd rather not talk about anyone else especially if he / she has no idea about it! since yesterday i'd been thinking of possibly changing or trying out a new ministry (ie. i may or may not stay with my kids)...or rather, i'm pretty close to action. personally i'm keen to try being an ad hoc drummer or audition to be a soloist for the main hall service, and even though i know i have a much much much higher chance of doing both for the chinese congre, sad to say i dread the service quite a lot...unless i avoid the sermon, which i really won't do! but this morning before i went for my hep a booster shot the thought suddenly came to me that i could try teaching the HI kids too. and i recalled the times when God had drawn me into silent worship, how the barrier between me and a HI friend was lowered (though never completely gone; they have their own special culture, if i must say), how there was joy even without music. in a sense this would be a slight change from what i'm currently doing, but it's got absolutely nothing to do with music. and i can only choose 1 ministry at most, because i can't promise my full committment otherwise. so besides other school related stuff, this meta i'm gonna ask God about this...be it a clear direction or a green light or peace of mind, or anything i cannot pre-empt. brothers and sisters who are reading this, if you'd like to, please pray along with me? thanks! 11:28 p.m. - 2006-12-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wishes Now that Christmas is nearing, I'm seeing many blogger wishlists, and I'm so itching to have my own too, except that it's really ridiculous when I walk in town and see the signs that talk about "season of giving" and "spirit of giving". There's no Christmas without Christ, and when all other religious holidays mention and celebrate the reason behind them, Christmas Day is one which has been severely marred year after year. Christ was the Promised Gift, and He was the first to receive presents on Christmas - His birthday (Matt 2:11). This is the true reason behind the season, and the reason why I "take pains" to write "Christmas" instead of "Xmas", since I am not celebrating the birth of an unknown "X". Besides, 5 more letters of the alphabet won't kill anybody...! But anyway, back to the topic, if I were to create my personal wishlist this year, first I'll talk about things that can't be bought. One that has been fulfilled is personal time with my parents (though not all together). Other than that...
Of course there are things I wish for that can be bought too. I wish for a chalk bag. I wish for a portable TV for my grandma. I wish to decorate my room (can't cos it's my uncle's house). Above all I wish for my parents and grandma to understand the true meaning of Christmas and embrace it. 9:01 p.m. - 2006-12-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- some things that i miss In my anxiety I actually caught one sentence clearly over the phone. "Can you not think so much?" It so happens that I do that to her more often than not, but no way am I implying that she doesn't use her brain! Can I not think so much? I don't know. This seems like one of those things that obey Murphy's Law, you know, the more you try NOT to think, you actually do so too naturally. So today I'm thinking of some things that I miss. I miss having an ice cream cone everyday (some 20 yrs ago), watching sesame street, playing with paper lanterns, candles, sparklers and matches during mid-autumn festival, almost-weekly family meals in KFC when they still used stainless steel cutlery and bottled sauces, playing with my mini die cast Ford, Merc, BMW, etc., even playing in a proper playground (complete with slide, seesaw, swing and the spinning¡carousel?). Yep, all play and no work. I miss the days when there was no need for a watch, a pager, a handphone, a home phone, a radio, a computer, a bag, and money. Things that have become indispensable now (except for the pager). They make Tarzan and Jane's lives seem too attractive once in a while. 9:22 p.m. - 2006-12-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- random i remembered that 1 of the reasons why i'd stopped blogging not once but a few times was because i found myself getting self-centred with every journal entry, and i don't like that. although it's a personal blog, i guess i'm not comfy with the "me myself and i" setting. starting to find it weird that all my entries appear to be squashed to the left of the screen. i can't figure how to expand the frame because i've forgotten my HTML and javascript. cos although i don't have a problem with it, it does seem to look quite ridiculous after a while... 12:11 p.m. - 2006-12-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- lean and mean just realised that i've gained some 3.5kg since i stepped into uni last yr, which means that i was closer to being skinny when i was working. don't get me wrong, i'm not fat (since my BMI is perfectly fine), but more like growing a gradually visible double chin and flabby upper arms (what used to be my biceps and triceps), since that's practically the main areas that don't get any workout. i walk a whole deal lot...i can't run long distances (no sir, nothing more than 100m) but i bet i will survive walkathons. on another note, i'm not as gentle as one might think or judge from my appearance. after being bullied / taken advantage of too many times, i'd decided long ago that i will teach those cheekos and humsups a lesson or two. from little things like voicing out (everyone might be staring at me, but he's the one who gets embarrassed - if he really didn't mean it, he backs off right at this point), slapping his shoulder or arm once audibly, stepping his foot (that's where the lack of high heels and weight is much lamented on)...to scarier things like raising my voice in rage (i don't scream, mind you), looking like i'm adamant on finishing him off, and doing stuff that scares the hell out of anyone who thought wrong about me. once a cab driver in jb tried to cheat my money and i'd gotten out when we stopped in the middle of the road, crashed all 4 doors of his cab, hollered at him (no vulgarities) in all my rage, and he very nearly freaked out. even i was freaked out by the extent of my rage; my godma is my witness on that incident. having said that, it takes a lot for me to fly into a rage, so one must really be trying very hard or pressing all the wrong buttons for that to happen. of course i do get angry at times, but i learn to manage them. anyway enough of the "lean and mean" obsession. i should just get down to more sit-ups and push-ups. that probably helps me to let off some steam as well! 11:11 a.m. - 2006-12-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a few reflections It’s been almost a year of teaching the P1’s, and now that I’m remembering the journey (and some unforgettable situations) I’m very thankful for God’s grace and faithfulness in helping me and the kids grow. But I won’t be taking them for the next half yr cos I’ll be hunting for suitable services for my mom and grandma…then again maybe I won’t need that long; it’s probably a max estimation. On something else…I actually have a bad “habit” of writing faster than my thinking. My typing’s perfectly fine though. Not sure if it’s a habit or some dyslexic problem, but well, what happens is that I often end up writing the second or third letter of a word first, realizing it immediately after I’ve written it down, and then trying to squeeze the missing letters in front. It doesn’t seem like a big problem unless we’re talking about exams, which honestly added to my frustration on having ½ hr less per paper this semester. Otherwise I’m just living with it. One problem that shows up less subtly is that I sometimes think faster than I can process each thought; it’s like having them ricocheting randomly in my brain and escaping through my ears before I can catch them. It used to be much much worse years ago (I remember crying once or twice with a pen and a blank piece of paper) but my brain seems to have tamed with time, with faint semblance of absent-mindedness / amnesia at times. I’ve shared this concern briefly with a few friends before; that I can recall. Now I have 3 journals and a sketchbook (and this new blog – the 5th to date), and I write events down as much as possible in case I forget. It’s also good that I’m now able to read them and remember God’s goodness to me. I hope that even if I do end up with Alzheimer’s I’ll still be able to remember God…my nightblindness is nothing compared to this! Once I used to worry about my physical imperfections; now I see that they draw me closer to my God. I’m literally asking if it’s our very imperfections that highlight His perfection. Years ago one of my profs told me he didn’t see the point in going back to church cos “they always tell you to do the same old things but you’ll never get there”. (I wrote this in one of my older blogs.) It made me wonder why too, but then also realizing not too long ago that if we do “reach there”, then each one of us could “be God”, not unlike the tower of babel story. One can always argue the presence of imperfection with sin, which I have no problems with, since my current struggle is still with “why try to be ‘like Christ’ when we all blatantly know that we will never be anywhere close to that?” I still question, and I’m not giving up finding out for myself. Anyway, I digressed. Then again, it’s precisely questions like these that drive me to know God better, haha! 11:36 p.m. - 2006-12-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pilot/disclaimer/intro decided to start a blog again and keep it simple (for now) since i won't be around in action most times for the next 1/2 yr, and this is one way for curious peeps to find out how i'm doing. alternatively one could also sms / ring me up, but this should be more convenient for those who would rather not. anyway, it's your choice and i'm really not bothered by it. diachronic's opposite of synchronic; i like the word, and as for what it means to me i'll let you decide for yourself. =) 3:51 p.m. - 2006-12-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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